Better as a Bloke
by OhOpium
Summary: Somehow Remus is turned into a girl! What he doesn't know, however, is that Sirius likes him better as a boy. X-posted on LiveJournal STANDALONE.


When Remus woke up, well, he didn't even notice the difference in his body. He lurched out of bed at the sound of his alarm because if he didn't get up, none of the Marauders would, and they'd all miss breakfast and Potions and Snape would be very, very angry and it was always best to avoid that. He didn't notice the curves of his hips or how long his eyelashes had grown overnight until he prodded Sirius, insisting, "Get up, you lazy git!"

In fact, Remus might not have noticed at all, if it weren't for Sirius rolling over sleepily and finally, lazily, opening his eyes and exclaiming, "Oi, Moony! You're a girl!"

"I'm not a girl," Remus said defensively, taking a step back as Sirius clambered out of bed. It was the first time he'd ever seen Sirius get up without a struggle, and he wanted to be as close to his to his wand as possible whenever Sirius pulled out whatever trick he had up his sleeve.

"No, really!" Sirius said urgently, taking him by the shoulders and steering him forcefully toward the bathroom.

Sirius spun him around so that he could face the mirror, and Remus' jaw dropped. He was, in fact, a girl. He turned to the side and examined his womanly figure. He'd always been thin, but as a girl, it was different. He was fragile. He reached a slender hand out to brush his shoulder length hair out of his face, and peered at himself in the mirror.

From behind him, Sirius snickered.

Blushing, Remus turned around glared at Sirius, snapping, "It isn't bloody funny, Sirius! Fix it, now!"

Sirius actually had the audacity to look taken aback. "Me? I didn't do it, Rem!"

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" Remus asked. He sighed. "Let's just go wake James and Peter so you three can have a laugh, I can get on with my shower, and we can get on to breakfast, if that'd be – "

He didn't need to wake the other two, however. He ran into them on the way out of the bathroom.

"Moony?" James demanded, gripping him by his shoulders much like Sirius had done, "Oi! Moony, I don't know if you know it, but you're a girl!"

"He knows, James," Sirius said, walking out of the bathroom to join his friends, "And he seems quite under the impression that we had something to do with it. As much as I would like to claim responsibility, please kindly inform him that we were not behind this prank."

"Really, Remus," James said, putting his hands up in the air, "It wasn't us, honest!"

James also looked taken aback. Perhaps it hadn't been their doing, after all.

"Bloody funny, though," James mumbled under his breath.

"It's not! It's not funny, stop laughing," Remus snapped at Sirius, James, and Peter, who were already going about their morning business of showering. "I don't know a spell to fix this, and I can't very well go to Potions as a girl!"

"Course not," Sirius said nonchalantly, "You don't even have a bra!"

Remus huffed and, crossing his arms over his chest, stormed out of the bathroom. Sirius' remark earned new peals of laughter from James and Peter, and Remus crawled back in his bed, trying to ignore the sound.

Sirius walked out of the bathroom a moment later and sat down beside Remus on his bed.

"Moony?" he whispered. Getting no response, Sirius brushed some of Remus' new long hair out of his face, trying to ignore the flutters it sent to his stomach.

He nearly gasped when he got a good look at Girl Remus' face. His hair was soft, a shade of dark blonde, his eyes were bigger, and his cheekbones higher.

"Moony," he repeated stubbornly, "I'm sorry. We really didn't do it, though. C'mon, I'll go with you to the infirmary. I'm sure Madam Pomfrey can get you back to normal in no time."

"No!" Remus snapped. "I'm not leaving this room. If you lot didn't do this to me, I'm sure it was Snape and his fellow Slytherins. They'll just be waiting outside the dormitory to catch me looking like this."

"Rem, you can't just stay up here all day!"

Remus crossed his arms across his chest, "Course I can. You need to get on to class, Sirius, you're going to be late! And tell the professors I'm quite ill, will you?"

Sirius agreed begrudgingly, before picking up his school bag and walking out the door with James and Peter, who promised to look up spells in the library after class to help Remus' predicament.

After classes, James and Peter went to dinner while Sirius went back to the dormitory to check on Remus. He clambered up the stairs and knocked on the door before pushing it open.

Remus was sitting on his bed with a sheet of parchment and a quill. He looked up at Sirius wearily and sighed.

"Still a girl, then?" Sirius asked, sitting down next to Remus on the bed.

"Yes," Remus responded irritably.

"Well, it could be worse," said Sirius, "At least you make a bloody pretty girl."

This didn't seem to console Remus, who sighed again and put his parchment and quill on the table beside the bed. He laid down, facing Sirius, and propped his hands behind his head.

He opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius interrupted him before he could say anything.

"So have you looked at yourself naked? Like in the mirror?" Sirius questioned.

"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, his cheeks flushing bright red. He would not, for any reason, admit that he'd spent a good hour showering and another hour staring at his chest. It was the first pair of breasts he'd actually seen, and he wasn't sure if he'd even like them on someone else.

"You have, haven't you?" Sirius smiled, gently poking Remus in the side, "It's okay. I would have, too."

"Fine, I did. All right? Can you leave it, please?" Remus covered his face with his hands.

Sirius laughed loudly, before sitting close to Remus and maintaining a very serious look on his face. "Okay, well, can I see?"

"Sirius! No!"

"Rem," he whined, "Please! It's not like they really belong to you, anyway."

Remus laughed and shrugged in agreement. "Guess not. You really want to see?"

Before Sirius could answer, Remus pulled up the black T-shirt he was wearing. Sirius' eyes widened. Suddenly there came a clattering of footsteps up the stairwell, and Remus hastily pulled his shirt down while Sirius averted his eyes.

James and Peter bounded into the room and plopped down on Remus' bed.

"I would have thought for sure that Mr. Prefect with Brains the Size of Elephants would have come up with a spell to turn himself back into a man," James said, Peter nodding eagerly in agreement.

"Have you looked at yourself naked yet?" James leered, looking straight at Remus' chest, "Yours look like they might even be bigger than Lily's."

"Knock it off James, I'm sure he hasn't looked," Sirius said, looking at Remus out of the corner of his eye. Remus gave him a grateful smile.

There the discussion ended and the three boys and one girl began getting ready for bed.

"Sirius? Are you awake?" Remus whispered, shuffling out of his bed and padding across the floor. He reached out to pull open the curtains to Sirius' bed.

"Mm, kinda," Sirius mumbled sleepily. His hand fumbled on the table beside the bed for his want, "Are you 'k?"

"Yes, yes I'm fine," said Remus impatiently. He sat down on the edge of Sirius' bed. "I have a confession to make."

Before Sirius could speak, Remus continued, "I think I did this to myself. In fact, I'm certain that I did. Last night when you were out on your date with Marlene and James was off snogging Lily and Peter was studying with Miranda, I found myself wishing I were a girl. And when I woke up this morning… well," he trailed off.

"You were one," stated Sirius unhelpfully. "Really, Moony, why would you wish to be a girl, anyway?"

Remus hid his face in his hands so that his voice came out small and muffled, "Remember the time I said there were no girls at Hogwarts that I fancied?"

"Sure do."

"Well," Remus paused, "There's not really any girls I anywhere /I that I fancy."

"You mean you –"

"Yes, Sirius. I like blokes, if that's all right with you."

"Moony, you know I don't care who you like. And you should have told me sooner, I could have set you up on a few dates. You don't have to be a lady just to find someone who's interested in you, you know. What sort of man is it that you're after?"

"Well, as far as looks go, I'd say I would like someone with dark hair, maybe an athletic bloke. Quiddich player, perhaps. He's got to be funny and always be there for me. I want to be able to tell him my secret, so I have to trust him."

Trying to ignore his jealousy, Sirius nonchalantly replied, "So basically you want to shag James?"

"No! Blimey, no. Never."

"Let's see," Sirius said, checking things off on his fingers, "Dark hair? That's James. Quiddich player? Funny? Someone you can trust? Remus, admit it! You're in love with James!"

Flushing bright red, Remus insisted, "Sirius, stop that! I am I not /I in love with James. Leave it, would you? I don't fancy anyone."

Sirius continued, "Or maybe it's me then? I suppose I fill all the categories."

Immediately Remus stood up, stammering, "It's… it's not like that, Sirius. Anyway, I said leave it alone, didn't I?"

"Yes, but –"

"Drop it. I'm going back to bed."

"Remus, wait! Please," Sirius begged, climbing out of his bed, "You don't have to be a girl for me to like you. I like you the way you are."

"Clearly you don't get it, Sirius, so let me put it in a way you'll understand," said Remus angrily. "I don't just like you. I really, really like you. One might go so far as to say I I love /I you. Even if I was a girl, I know you probably wouldn't see me in that light. But at least I'd have a little more hope than I do now."

"No, Moony, I think you're the one who doesn't understand." Sirius took a step closer and gently cupped Remus' cheek in his palm, "What's under you shirt now may be pretty impressive, but I'd like you whether you were a bird or a bloke. If I didn't, I wouldn't do this."

Gently he pressed his lips against Remus', whose first instinct was to pull away. However as Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist, Remus found himself kissing back with passion. Sirius brushed a few strands of his hair away, and pulled back to look deeply into his eyes.

"Can't say I don't prefer you as a female, though," Sirius teased, eyeing Remus' chest.

Remus rolled his eyes, "That's what I was afraid of."

"I'm only joking," said Sirius, "I like you best the way you were before."

In the morning, Remus woke up in Sirius' bed with Sirius' arms wrapped around him. He groggily shook Sirius awake, mumbling about early Potions lessons that day.

Eagerly Sirius jumped out of bed for the second day in a row and shook Remus' by the shoulders, "Oi, Remus! I don't know if you know it, but you're a bloke again!"


End file.
